Let’s all take a moment of silence. Not for someone who’s passed away—but for the thing that has completely lost its identity: paneer. Once the noble protein of the committed vegetarian, the go-to source of culinary joy, their knight in white armour in a world of kebabs and koftas. Today, ladies, gentlemen and curious onlookers, paneer is just... a white lie. Literally.
Yes, in the latest chapter of “What Fresh Hell is This?”, the market is flooded with fake paneer. It’s everywhere. What you thought was a tender cube of dairy devotion in your palak paneer is probably a chemically confused brick of starch, oil, and industrial whiteners.
Vegetarians, my heart goes out to you. You had one job. And one food group. While the rest of the world wrestled with the delectable choices between pork, mutton, fish and chicken, you proudly waved the flag of the humble, reliable, doesn’t-scream-when-it’s-cut paneer. That was the one thing that kept you away from our common nemeses, the vegans! But alas, even that has turned on you.
But maybe this is all for the best.
Paneer has had its day, and night and some more. It's everywhere - some would say too everywhere! It snuck into momos. Invaded dosas. Held biryani hostage. Pizzas, tacos, chaat, pasta and heaven forbid any Japanese would see this - even in Sushi! It became that annoying guy at the party who shows up uninvited, makes everything about himself, and still thinks people love him. And for the most part, you all just let it happen. Well guess what, all that is going to end and that’s the gloriously wonderful part of this entire kerfuffle.
The silver lining of this dairy disaster is that maybe, just maybe, the fake paneer epidemic will finally liberate food from the Paneer Industrial Complex. Now that you can’t trust your supplier, maybe you'll think twice before stuffing that dosa with paneer bhurji or crowning your biryani with 17 cubes.
Yes, now you can dream of a world where momos are back to being juicy little meat or veggie bombs—not awkward steamed pastries filled with what looks like a melted eraser. Let dosas rediscover their crispy, chutney-kissed, potato-filled glory. Let biryani be great again—with mutton or chicken or even jackfruit. Let chaat be chaat and for fucks sake, LEAVE THE SUSHI ALONE! Sorry I had to get that out of my system..
So yes, the vegetarians may be mourning. But the rest of us? We’re cautiously optimistic. The fall of paneer may just have been the universe saying 'Enough is Enough'.
Vegetarians, take the hint and fall in line.
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